Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
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Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets