Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
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The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
even bears disappoint their mothers
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
next level snooze
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”