Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
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humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”