Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
You Might Also Like
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?