Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
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Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive