Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
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Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.