Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
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teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.