@ThisOneSayz: Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they'll materialize out of nowhere.
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@itsWillyFerrell: Operator: "9-1-1 please hold..." Me: "Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second." Murderer: "K."
@buriedwithkids: My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me... I screamed, "OH HELL NO" and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
@GypsyWingss: Mom: a little birdie told me you got drunk last night Me: you're the one friggen talking to birds
@iamMunga: Too many kids crying. I'm never having kids.I'm just gonna adopt an adult who has a job already.