Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
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[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
Beauty and the Beast
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
Kentucky names the shit out of places
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.