When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
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I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
what is cheese if not milk persevering
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.