I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
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RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
Put a ring on it
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
This is always good for a laugh.
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.