@Cheeseboy22: Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, "YES!"
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@AmishPornStar1: Mechanic said I blew a seal... Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
@cepheusjackson: MUGGER: Empty your pockets! ME: But these are cargo shorts. (45 min later) ME: That's the left one MUGGER: Seriously. ME: I am SO sorry
@TheCatWhisprer: I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
@KKAlThani: Next time you're not feeling hungry, tell yourself you're going on a diet in an hour & you'll unleash the starving African child inside you.