Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
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Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???