*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
You Might Also Like
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.