@sabre_squirrel: *saves dandruff for 7 years to throw as confetti at friends wedding that i never really liked*
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@jwoodham: INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in? ME: What do you mean "if" Harry Potter was real?
@JeffLoveness: "I would absolutely say I'm an introvert!" - Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
@Underchilde: I know I should be searching for my missing friend, but there’s a lot of food in his apartment that’ll spoil if I don’t eat it.
@ArfMeasures: WIFE: omg someone's broken in! ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here [downstairs] FRIEND: Can't you just tell her you want to play baseball? ME: Keep your voice down