*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
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[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”