Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
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interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.