Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
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Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
Breaking news:
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.