I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
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A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
Ain’t no way
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
If you had more money you’d be happier.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.