SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
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If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
My wife has the worst taste in men.
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
Cake safety first. Always.
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”