Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
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[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?