You Might Also Like
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
Somebody call the cops.
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
The new Ring movie looks terrifying