Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
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I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.