Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
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GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”