Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
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Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
Phones down.
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse