@adam_bloomquist: Saw a billboard that said: Don't be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don't be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
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@UncleDuke1969: Me: Read this tweet. Wife: Sure. Me: Is it racist? Wife: No. Me: Sexist? Wife: No. Me: Is it offensive at all? Wife: No. Me: *deletes tweet*
@Dirty_Naomi: I'm going to start rubbing myself up against people when they've got nice food. If it works for my cat, it'll work for me.
@Prof_Peejay: Her:"What do you do?" Me:"I teach astronomy." Her:"OMG!! I'm a Sagitarius! Can you see my future?" Me:"Yes, you'll go home alone tonight."
@SamGrittner: Saw a guy with three lip-ring piercings on the subway today. Took everything in my power not to attach a shower curtain.