Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
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HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
New Tinder profile.
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop