Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
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Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
courtroom exchange of the day
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.