Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
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I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
Do furries go to doctors or vets?