Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
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remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!