Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
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A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!