I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
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Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that