Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
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I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
wtf management?!
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
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Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff