Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
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Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.