fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
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Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
greetings!
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”