Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
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5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht