Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
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It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.