Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
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Milk Cube
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
RT if you could go either way.
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
technically true but not a great slogan
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.