@AndyAsAdjective: Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn't see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
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@TheRolo: [Gets shot by mugger] Girl walks by: omg are u ok? I'm dying [sees she isn't wearing a ring] I mean I'm fine but not as fine as you, sup?
@davedittell: *friend bites off beer bottle cap at party* HONEY! HONEY!! NOW!! NOW!!! *wife jumps out car with a hundred jars from the fridge*
@causticbob: Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts. His name was Frank
@DiamondGirl127: "Iowa man arrested after fight over peanut butter and jelly sandwiches" - I'm just gonna assume this is 1 of you guys