Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
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instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”