Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
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Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
“no gods no masters” = leo
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!