@kamweru_: Saw a guy steal a car using a hanger so I did what any normal person would do, walked up to him & asked "You that guy from Grand Theft Auto?
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@LaLuchaNix: Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I'm scared. Me: No, I can't risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
@Lowenaffchen: I used to worry about offending people's moms on facebook but now they all post memes like "I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children"