@kamweru_: Saw a guy steal a car using a hanger so I did what any normal person would do, walked up to him & asked "You that guy from Grand Theft Auto?
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@Sassafrantz: Saw a couple wearing surgical masks in public and all I could think was "what do they know that I don't?"
@flashember: [Doctor's Office] Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease. "Is it bad, doc?" Yes, but bear in mind- AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
@NamestartswithZ: ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them ME IN 2017: I'm going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me