If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
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My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?