@CheryeDavis: Saw a guy walking down the street talking to himself, hand gestures and all...So I did the right thing, stopped and told him about Twitter.
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@jimmytorosian: [two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist] ...But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
@KevinHart4real: Good morning people.....I woke up feeling myself this morning....wait that doesn't sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
@rebrafsim: Him: do you believe in miracles? Her: well you're here, aren't you? Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that's— Her: *under breath* and I've been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
@PaperWash: [Jesus opens his fortune cookie] SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU "Uh oh" YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9 "Haha nice!"