Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
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My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”