All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
You Might Also Like
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
I’m being attacked 😭
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.