*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
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There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*