If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
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[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.