@rickkondell: Saw a homeless guy at McDonald's begging for money, told him I'd buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
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@Fred_Delicious: if you're ever worried there's an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there's no one there
@Marlebean: Hostess:There's a 45 min wait Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers! H:Let me ask my manager *2 min later H:It'll be 43 min
@bulls_horns: 25% of twitter users are on medication for mental illness, which means 75% are running around untreated.