Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
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[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
I only eat vegetarians.
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
✌🏽
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.