Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
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‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
That’s amazing.
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.