@Tw1tter_K1tten: Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn't give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
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@onion_an: [on date pretending not to be a dung beetle] Date: What's your favourite meal? Me: Poop Date: What? Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
@markleggett: Whenever a woman tells me that she just wants to have a good time and sleep with me, I say "You can only pick one."
@WoodyLuvsCoffee: Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny's ears then broke off its head. I'm sleeping with the lights on.