Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
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If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire