Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
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ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?